Engulfed in Sadness

Lately this is how I have felt, completely engulfed in sadness. An emotional wreck of crazy.

First there is the uproar of the lion named Cecil. Poaching is wrong. I am sad by the loss of this animal and for his community.  I am also sad for the poached bull moose that was found shot and left along a road. However, my sadness does not mean I don’t care about other important issues. My sadness is because these are animals that are being tricked by deceitful humans for their personal enjoyment. To me it would be like one of my neighbors luring one of my dogs out of the yard so they could cause harm or kill them.

Next there are the animals that are in shelters. The old, the young, the ill, the healthy and the perfect animals all together waiting. I have read a lot of stories lately about these animals. Some have been saved and others have not. The senior animals seem to have a harder time finding new homes and often times don’t leave the shelters. This makes me sad. My son told me yesterday that my dog was looking pretty old with his grey muzzle. I reminded him that I have had my dog for 8 years now and I hope to get another 8 or more years with him since he is a Dachshund and then can live 15 – 20 years. I am sad for the shelter animals because they don’t have homes. They don’t get to enjoy the life my own animals do and share their own unconditional love with humans and be part of a family, their own family.

I also miss my mom. She has been gone for 4 and a half years now. There are so many things she wasn’t able share in. There are still times I forget and want to call her and many nights that I dream she is still with us. Adding to my sadness is my kids miss their Nana and wonder if she would be proud of where we have all ended up in life. I wonder often if her Heaven is everything she hoped it would be and if she “knows” all that happens in our lives.

My kids are all 18 and older now and officially are not my “responsibility”. I raised them, taught them right from wrong, and hopefully helped them improve their skills in self sufficiency. Meaning that they can continue to manage their own finances and afford to care for themselves. This also makes me sad, I miss them with their noises and chaos. Sometimes the house is way too quiet. It isn’t as easy getting together and spending time as a family now that they are all older and independent. It is something we all work on though because so far we still like each other!!

I know this sadness will pass or at least it won’t feel so overwhelming. I am aware that there are others out in this world with their own struggles they are facing. I try to stay positive and look and the bright side of things and offer smiles to all I see. I also snuggle with the dogs often and offer them lots of love and attention because everything I give to them they give right back to me :)!

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Abortion, Adult Content and Apologies

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Raising three children as a single parent has many challenges, successes and adventures. These challenges, successes and adventures also change year after year. Depending on the ages of the children and the circumstances we found ourselves in. Facing some of the hardest issues head on I was able to successfully navigate my little ones into adulthood.

One cold, sunny, winter afternoon I was driving my kids to rent some movies. My youngest daughter wanted something about animals, my older daughter wanted a princess movie and my son was hoping for a Scooby Doo movie he hadn’t already seen more than three times. There was the usual he touched me and she won’t scoot over whining going on and then suddenly the car went silent. Some how I had missed the THREE protesters standing on the corner of the Planned Parenthood building. Some how I was distracted for just a few seconds and missed the AWFUL posters my children, all under the age of 11, were now staring at. One of them asked a question of what are they doing, why are they holding posters with dead babies on them, why mom, why? I asked them not to look and then explained abortion to their young minds and hearts. My heart was broken for their lost innocence. Thank you Planned Parenthood Protesters for helping me teach my children about the ugliness that is in this world, and yes that includes the posters you were so kind to share with them.

Flash forward a couple of years and to another drive. This time it was on the way to school after a rushed morning of finding shoes, fixing wiggly socks and finding our other missing book. The kids pilled into the car and off we went. The previous day they had spent some time with their father. I don’t ask a lot of questions when they come home, really just did you have fun and are you hungry. So I never really know what they were doing during those visits. I now know where they stopped because one of them asked me about a building we drive by every day. A building that is in a commercial/industrial part of town. A small building with covered windows, nondescript door and only one sign perpendicular to the roof that says XXX. Apparently their top notch father stopped here the day before. He just needed to run a movie in, and they all waited in the car for a few minutes. More innocence robbed from my children thanks to a thoughtless adult.

Apologies on the other hand are something they have been learning about their whole lives. They have also learned the art of how to accept an apology versus just forgiving someone because it is the right thing to do. Just because you accept an apology does not mean you forgive the person that did you wrong. It also means if you hurt someone else and need to offer an apology that your apology may or many not be what helps. Don’t apologize because I said so instead apologize because you feel it is the right thing to do to make the current situation better. Don’t apologize because someone else has a different view point than you. Instead remind them that it is ok to be different.

Raising my children to adulthood has been my biggest challenge and the biggest reward as well. I look forward each day to see how they manage and succeed in adulthood and use the skills they learned growing up.

Who I Am………

Who am I?

I wonder how many times my kids have asked themselves that same question. How many times have they questioned who they are because of some outside force in their life. Have I helped them develop enough skills to be comfortable with who they are? Have I allowed them to fail and lose at enough things that they know it is ok. Do they have the ability to keep their mouth shut and think before they react?

Who I am….. well I am the mother of three awesome young adults. I am passionate about these three humans that I helped create and raised mostly alone. I am a fighter for equality in all things. I am strong, loud, dependable, honest, fair, I have opinions, I have a voice, I like to be heard and I am a listener. I am not very good at waiting and being patient. I struggle with keeping my mouth shut and thinking before I react. I have made too many bad decisions to count and I probably haven’t learned enough from them. I try to keep life in perspective.

Who do I want to be?

I have my days where I wish time would stand still. I would like my young adults to be my smaller children again. To have one last chance to do things right. I made so many mistakes raising their precious souls. I have a few regrets as well. The truth is I am almost 98% sure I wouldn’t change a thing if I was given the chance for a do over. We are who we are because of what we have faced. I want to be the person they look up to. I want to be kind, thoughtful and dependable. I want them to remember me as their personal champion. I want to learn how to be the parent of young adults that are moving away from their momma and going out into the world on their own. I need to rediscover myself. I am not always sure who I am or who I will become.

Who are you?