Happy Valentine’s Day

The joys of a Sunday afternoon. No where to be, nothing to important to do that couldn’t wait for another day. I am enjoying my slow paced day and spending it with my youngest daughter. She is my Valentine this year. We have had a lovely late breakfast and both got to sleep in since neither of us worked today. I am thankful for days like this.

I hope everyone is enjoying their day and finding peace within themselves to share with others who may need it.

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Where are You?

I keep finding myself lost in my chaos. I want to stay focused and engaged, yet I find that the more I do the less I stay focused on any one thing. Which then causes anxiety for myself. Among all of this I am taking pleasure in each new day.

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This is Lily Lynn, my youngest daughters cat. She lives in the bathroom and likes to drink cold water from the running faucet. She drives me crazy, yet I enjoy brushing her and spending time with her. She is my daily reminder to enjoy a cold drink and let someone brush your hair :)! Now if I could just find myself and keep myself planted and focused.

Happy New Year

Time has come and gone. I was engulfed in so many tangled messes I wasn’t sure I would ever see the light of day. I took on too many obligations, over extended myself, buried myself in craziness, and then decided to go back to school.

Of course I failed at many things. Or perhaps not failed so much as gave up on. Sadly some of those things were things I truly enjoyed. My biggest sacrifice was spending my time here, sharing my life as so many of you have shared yours with me. My health has not improved, I gave up on that focus, it was too time consuming and not very enjoyable. I hate giving up things I like and my over indulgence in coffee and tacos is a big part of who I have been the last four years.

I have let others dictate who I should be and my worth based on their opinions. I realized the error there rather quickly. However, the time lost is still time lost. I also forced my opinions on my youngest child to the point of breaking her spirit a time or two in the last 6 months. Thankfully she is only 18 and is still a forgiving child.

I went back to school for a number of reasons, the biggest was my children have all graduated from high school and are considered adults now. It is my time to do what I put off 22 years ago to raise them. I wish that I would have made better choices when I was younger, but I am ok with where my life is now. I love my kids and am very proud of the young adults they have grown into.

I have lots to be thankful for everyday. Phheata (fajita),the youngest dachshund, is a little snuggle bug and she starts my days of with warm morning snuggles, I am employed and have a great boss, I see my kids every week, I volunteer and give back to my community, and I haven’t smoked in 4 1/2 years. These are just some of the things I am thankful for. I plan to adjust my life, daily schedule, to fit in the things I have been putting off because “I don’t have enough time”, it is all in how I plan my day if I have the time or not to do the extra things I enjoy or just need to do.

I hope everyone has had a great start to 2016 and that 2015 left you with fond memories, silly smiles, or at least a crazy story or two.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 🙂 !

World of Wonder

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IMG_0543 My best friend, Cat-A-Piller.

Montana beautiful sky. !cid__0212121455 !cid__0211121153_01 Trip to Missouri from Montana to see my son graduate boot camp. We stopped at the Denver Zoo in Denver, CO and the Rolling Hills Zoo near Salina, KS.

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Girl Scouts took both of my daughters across the country. We are all hoping to someday make the trip as a family.

 Sweet Penelope after she broke her toenail down to her paw.    IMG_0520

Oscar Mayer Time as a family.

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An afternoon of painting with my kids is another one of my favorite things to do.

Teachers

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 When I was younger I played school. My students where my stuffed animals and dolls, including my Cabbage Patch Kids. My teachers would give me left over worksheets at the end of the year and I would be entertained for the whole summer. My siblings were much younger then me so they could not be used as my students. My children are about 2 years apart, making the oldest and youngest about 4 years apart. A great combination to have a teacher and some students.

My son was called the dictator. His sisters hated that they had to play school with him. He would be fine for the first little bit and then WHAM the girls would giggle or not do what he instructed and he was the meanest teach that ever taught in the universe. He did provide lunch and did school photos as well. Eventually the girls learned to say NO when he asked them to play school. The rule at our house has always been if you start something you need to finish it.

The oldest girl, the one who is actually going to school to be a teacher now, was much kinder. However she gave harder work that her students struggled to do correctly. She also was able to get leftover papers from her teachers at the end of the school year and a few times got some retired library books, if I remember correctly.

Nobody played school when the youngest was the teacher. All she wanted to do was stuff about animals anyway. So when she played school she did so with her stuffed animals. I think she probably had the most fun. Her animals almost always listened to her and they didn’t talk back as much as real people did.

They all have grown and discovered other things about themselves. They have grown and become three entirely different people. They all are passionate about different things and they all love to tell others about what they love. I hope they each continue to share their loves with the world and educate others along the way. The best teachers are the ones who have the passion to share with others.

Suicide = Selfish

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There was a time I believed that suicide was selfish. I didn’t understand how someone could end their life when their current situation was temporary and death was permanent. How they could leave the world and let everyone else deal with that loss. You see that is the problem, I didn’t understand. I understood my bouts with depression and my fling with attempted suicide. I understand what motivated me to hold on and not give up my fight as an adult. When I was between the ages of 12 and 13 I took a handful of sleeping pills. I missed my brother who had passed away and I missed my mom because she was never the same after that accident. I felt numb and alone and I just wanted to sleep forever. Flash forward past this incident and on to my adulthood. I didn’t ever think that my attempted suicide was selfish, never once, some how I kept this separate from how I began to feel about suicide in general. Yet as I became an adult and had more of an education on life and what it was all about I did start to believe that suicide was selfish. That the act of suicide went against all that was good and most importantly was the ultimate sin, to take away a life that God had created. I personally have dealt with depression most of my life. My own battle, watching my mom’s battle until her passing and now with my own children. My youngest daughter was told the other day that it was all just a state of mind and she could get past it.

Now I understand things better. I understand that it isn’t about anyone else but yourself and your own battle when you contemplate suicide. This isn’t an act of war against God, not everyone believes in God. It is a release from the fight you have been fighting, a battle that you can’t seem to win. There are no right or wrong answers. There is no one size cures all. It is different for everyone who deals with thoughts of suicide and depression. I don’t have the answers,  I wish I could save everyone who suffers from some form of mental illness. Until then I will do my best to show compassion and support to those I can. I hope that I can be there for those that feel that they have no hope. Of course this is my very own opinion on suicide, everyone is entitled to their own.

Quirky

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Quirky is defined as having or being full of quirks. Similar words include whimsical, erratic, curious, fanciful and odd. This defines the life of my kids growing up with me as their mother. I hope they loved it as much as I did. There are so many memories from their childhood that I hold close to my heart. All stuffed animals could talk (and still do), if you can draw it we can go there (even if it is through a story) and sometimes socks were used to get everybody up and moving in the morning. I remember some awesome fashion shows my three amazing children and their friends put on for me. There was a ton of makeup and crazy outfits and funky dancing one night. I even have pictures of this night, although I am unable to share those as I may need them later to blackmail my children. There were other times that they put on skits and filmed movies that they shared with me. One was a snow day with them sledding in our front yard and scooting right under the truck parked on the street. There were giggles and laughter and wide eyed wonderment. I don’t have that particular video any longer, it will be embedded into my memory forever. Without sound of course because the kids set up the video recorder in the house while they played outside and for some reason it didn’t pick up the sound clearly if at all most of the time.

My hope for my children is that they hold on to the quirky behavior taught to them by their mother and continue spreading that quirkiness into the world.