Kindness is FREE

I promise you, kindness is FREE! The ability to keep one’s mouth shut and not say rude things does not cost you a dime. Perhaps you will have some dents in your tongue where your teeth clamped down and kept it from moving and saying rude things, but I promise no money will be exchanged. It isn’t that hard to not say anything at all. You may actually be saving a life by keeping your rude thoughts to yourself.

Perhaps you didn’t realize you were being rude. Maybe  you were simply sharing your ideas on your idealistic world and didn’t stop to think that others may not agree. Did you considering asking me first what my plans were? Did you consider all of the work I have put into this project for the last year? Did it occur to you that this WAS important to me? Sometimes it is hard to look past yourself and see the others around you.

I think you are part of an amazing organization, I admire what you do as part of that group, and I did look forward to being part of it all. Yet, in 25 seconds, it all turned to ash and blew away in the gentle breeze from the door silently closing. You made assumptions, based on your conceived ideas on who I am, and changed my path within this amazing group of people.

I could fight back, but I have only invested a year into this. I worry that if I did push back I would be perceived as an aggressor because of my passions, and kindness is free so I should be kind. I set the example for my children to live by, and they know I chose to not fight this battle, that I gave up, and keeping my mouth shut was all about the kindness of not sharing my anger, hurt, and frustration. Instead I will focus my energy where it is appreciated and needed. I wish you well in all of your endeavors.

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Dear Father to my Children,

Dear Father to my Children Sperm Donor,

How do you measure your parental skills? How do you know when you are doing well versus when you SUCK? Do you care? How many “trophies” do you need? When will enough be enough? I wish you would stop causing heart ache and destruction in the lives of your children. I wish that you would do me a favor and MOVE.

For the past 21 years I can count on one hand how many times you have done the right thing for your children. The right thing is defined as when you did something that only benefited your children and did nothing for you including making you look good to others. Sweetie that is a total of 5 or LESS times.

  1. Secured Santa to come to the house to visit your son and oldest daughter.
  2. Gave your oldest daughter a bath every night for about 2 months straight during her 11th and 12th months of life.
  3. Secured lunch money for our youngest daughter last year, when she was a Junior in high school.

Yep less than 5. You have possibly done more, but I couldn’t think of anything that didn’t also make you look good to others. I could however think of lots of times you screwed our kids over.

  1. Sold the weight bench your son wanted, for $20 bucks.
  2. Didn’t show up when you promised to visit the kids, too many times to count.
  3. Told your friends you needed money to buy things for your kids when really you needed money for yourself.
  4. Promised to bring money to one of your children and show up weeks late or never.
  5. Making out with your girlfriend at your daughter’s birthday party instead of hanging out with your daughter.
  6. Going to your other girlfriend’s house in another state when your son came home for Christmas from Basic Training.
  7. Arriving late and high to your oldest daughter’s high school graduation and then skipping pictures after she asked you to take pictures with her.
  8. Not showing up at all to your oldest daughter’s graduation party.
  9. Not listening to your kids when they tell you something that is going on with your girlfriend and her kids.
  10. Driving like a crazy person because you are mad you said you would give your child a ride across town.

That of course is the short list 🙂

I would like to remind you that your 3 oldest children are 21, 19 and 17. These 3 are old enough to make their own decisions and are not at all intimidated by your loud voice or threats. You feel the only time they talk to you is when they want money. Perhaps if you looked at how you interact with them when you are together you would see that they just don’t like to be ignored or to hang out with your “other” family.

This past weekend you killed your relationship with your son. I understand you wanted your children at your wedding, but I hope you understand that they did not really want to be there. Your wife is not nice to them. She has double standards for her kids and your kids. Your children tried to talk to you about it, but you were unwilling to listen. They were not comfortable making the drive to your wedding location and the fact that they had to come back after dark was not very appealing to them either. The other kicker for them was the girls thought they were in the wedding, but somehow they got kicked out. Then two days later, after you came back to town, you couldn’t even find the time to see your younger daughter off on her trip. You sure are a classy guy.

Yes I am angry. I am tired of seeing my children hurt by your actions. I am tired of hearing how you promised them this or that and didn’t follow through. I am tired of seeing the pain on their faces when you don’t follow through or when you choose not to listen to them. You have produced 6 children that I am aware of, the 3 oldest you co-created with me. The other son is 15 or 16 (the one you never see), you have a 13 year old daughter (the one you signed away your parental rights for) and then there is the youngest daughter who is under 10, this is the only one you have actually made a go of the parenting thing with. I mean the one you pay child support for and take for full weekends during the school year and weeks during the summer. I am glad at this point you have figured at least that part out, for just this one kid. No worries for the other 5, I am sure they will continue to survive. I know my 3 would like you to stop ignoring them when they try to talk to you and listen to the words that come out of their mouths.

Thank you for also telling our son just how horrible my parents were. My parents that have both passed away in the past 7 years at very young ages. The same parents that allowed us to move in with them when we had no where else to go. I believe the year my mom passed away she gave you lots and lots of money to help you get caught up on some of your bills. These same people who supported me for months on end so I could help you pay of two different trucks on two different occasions. Yes my parents were awful because they supported us financially while you gambled and drank all of our money away. They did voice their opinions on your lifestyle but they still supported us. How many times did they take the kids when they were smaller because you just couldn’t handle it?? PLEASE tell me what did your family do to support us, how much contact does your mother have with these kids now? Does she even remember our youngest daughter’s name? Probably not.

7 months to go and I promise I will get to deal with you even less than I do now. I am looking forward to that more than you can possible understand. Good luck and best wishes 🙂

 

Hope

H

The one small glimpse of sunshine while it is pouring rain. A tuft of green grass poking out beneath the snow covered ground. A chance for more to come. Hope. During my darkest hours I try to hold on to hope, at least the hope that this shall pass and I can move on. My hope today is that I can have even less contact with the person who helped create my children. I hope that my children overcome the dysfunction that their parents have shown them. I hope that my children make better choices than I did at their ages. I hope that time will soften the harsh memories for all of us.

My Thoughts Because of Your Thoughts

Day 12 I am to be inspired by the community that I was a good neighbor to on Day 11. Here it is almost Day 13 and I am finally completing this task. Not because I was lazy or didn’t have time to, more because I was looking for new blogs, subjects or something that caused a reaction.

I found this on Single Mom Ranting and Why I No Longer Encourage a Relationship Between My Son and His Father. This fits into how my children’s father treats them or how he allows them to be treated by his girlfriend. My youngest daughter has some issues with anxiety, depression and ADHD. At home we know that she does not function well if anyone raises their voice at her, she can be talked to in a normal voice level and still be in trouble. Screaming at her only causes her to shut down and draw into herself. How to explain that to the girlfriend who is a screamer is hard to do, especially since I actually am not allowed to speak  to her and their father also does not speak to me. It is a wonderfully great process of the children telling me what their dad wants and me telling  my youngest daughter if she can go to his house or not. I have no control over the older two as they are 18 and 20 and legally adults, the youngest is still just 16 and has a limited voice. I truly hate that I am unable to protect her from all of the nastiness of this. She deals pretty well though, depending on how upset she is over any particular situation that has recently happened determines what “my” response is the next time he wants her to come over. Again I don’t speak to him at all, the girlfriend doesn’t like it I guess, so “my” response is usually whatever my daughter wants me to say. occasionally I will actually say no but only because we had previous plans or because he wants her to hang out with the girlfriend’s son with no adults around. The son is not very nice when adults are around and  I don’t want my daughter put in a situation that might get out of hand. I wish with all of my heart that he would put the children first versus himself or his public image. Mostly he uses his children as pawns in his ploy to make people think he is a great and wonderful person because he is a father. He generally neglects to tell people he only sees his children when he wants to impress an employer, impress his newest girlfriend or when the current girlfriend wants to play house.

I am thankful that at this point in their lives my children are aware of what he does and have developed ways of coping with it. When the kids were younger I use to dream that some day their dad would take them on the weekends and spend time with them and do fun stuff. This has never happened the way I imagined it. Perhaps they will be better parents because of this, well I can at least hope for some good to come from the way he has treated them.

Disappointments and Moving On

Disappointments seem to be my new thing. Lately it seems I have had far too many and I am finding it hard to move on. Perhaps I should lower my standards and I will have less of a chance of being disappointed. From my friends, work and my family it seems I am disappointed more often than not.

I can overlook the failures of my dogs. An accident here or there is easier to overlook than a friends total disregard for what I have asked of them and they agreed to. Or when friends or family play the poor me card. My favorite is when they post on Facebook that they think nobody cares about them. Yes you are fishing for compliments and affirmation of your self-worth. I would respect you more if you just said, “I am having an awful day. Say nice things to me to let me know you love me.”.

It is the end of the year, closing in on 3 years since my mom passed away. This could be why I am so sensitive. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my grandpa’s passing 4 years ago. So yes I probably am sensitive. I have not been sleeping well either, adding to my sensitivity.

Tomorrow I will try again to put this all behind me. To move on. To find the happier me.  I will strive not to let my friends have control over so many of my emotions and I will make a bigger effort to leave work at work and home at home and not let the two hang out in the middle. I will also remember that if I fail it is ok and try again.

I am loved, I am worthy and I can make a difference in the lives I come in contact with, it is my choice if that is a good or bad difference. I choose good! Disappointments can be used as my reminders not to act a certain way or to practice self-control, particularly of my mouth.