Kindness is FREE

I promise you, kindness is FREE! The ability to keep one’s mouth shut and not say rude things does not cost you a dime. Perhaps you will have some dents in your tongue where your teeth clamped down and kept it from moving and saying rude things, but I promise no money will be exchanged. It isn’t that hard to not say anything at all. You may actually be saving a life by keeping your rude thoughts to yourself.

Perhaps you didn’t realize you were being rude. Maybe  you were simply sharing your ideas on your idealistic world and didn’t stop to think that others may not agree. Did you considering asking me first what my plans were? Did you consider all of the work I have put into this project for the last year? Did it occur to you that this WAS important to me? Sometimes it is hard to look past yourself and see the others around you.

I think you are part of an amazing organization, I admire what you do as part of that group, and I did look forward to being part of it all. Yet, in 25 seconds, it all turned to ash and blew away in the gentle breeze from the door silently closing. You made assumptions, based on your conceived ideas on who I am, and changed my path within this amazing group of people.

I could fight back, but I have only invested a year into this. I worry that if I did push back I would be perceived as an aggressor because of my passions, and kindness is free so I should be kind. I set the example for my children to live by, and they know I chose to not fight this battle, that I gave up, and keeping my mouth shut was all about the kindness of not sharing my anger, hurt, and frustration. Instead I will focus my energy where it is appreciated and needed. I wish you well in all of your endeavors.

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Lost in the Chaos

Reality has a way of sucking you in and trapping you in a moment and not letting you go. My moment started on April 30, 2015. It was a gradual the way things started to engulf me and until recently I hadn’t even noticed my life was at a standstill. It started with the loss of a young life to suicide, then my youngest daughter’s presentation of her Senior Project, which happened to be about suicide awareness, followed by her graduation from high school. In that time she also registered for classes for college, secured a summer job and had started working her job she intends to have through college.

I stopped doing the things that I liked, started doing things that consumed my brain but offered nothing in return and stopped making plans for my future as I will no longer be a full time mom. I have no motivation to fix the things that are wrong and no desire to care. Each day offers a new opportunity to start making the changes I need to make, yet my desire has not been very strong. It also doesn’t help that the temperature has been between 80 and 102 degrees the past 3 or more weeks. I function well at 72 to 75 degrees anything over that and I become sluggish and irritable. Today the temperature is currently at 53 degrees which would be great if my house wasn’t still feeling like 85 degrees.

The chaos has consumed me. I have known this for the past few weeks. I have decided today that I will start taking a more active roll in my own life again. I didn’t actually stop living completely the past two months, I just stopped providing the visual documentation on why I am thankful daily, I stopped writing and I haven’t been participating in many things I enjoy physically either, like spending time with other people. This all stops today as I enjoy these activities. I have a plan for my future, I will be going back to school at the end of August. This is not so I can find a different job but instead because 21 years ago I had to quit school to raise my son and then my daughters. Now it is time for me to try again.

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Lies and Lessons

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I was given a reminder last night about why I am currently unattached to another human in an intimate relationship. My focus is currently on raising my final child through the remainder of her high school career. She hasn’t had much to do with her father in the last year, by her own choice. He hasn’t taken the time or effort to be part of life and when he does it is usually for his own benefit. He has neglected his parental duties, pays for nothing to support her and excludes her from his “other” family. Most of the time she finds out what is going on in his life through Facebook.

Last night he stopped by the house to drop off some stuff to her, late as usual. After a lovely argument, because I was going to now have to pay for what he failed to follow through with, she went to bed upset and disappointed. I went to bed mad and frustrated. First of all I really hate that he hurts her and there is nothing I can do about it. Second I wish he loved her half as much as I do. Third I wish with all that I am that he would just go AWAY! Really I do, he is that awful to her.

Lessons learned from this last encounter are that a liar is a liar and normally they do not change. A liar likes to look good in front of others and will change the words to make themselves look good regardless of the outcome. Honesty hurts but only for awhile. Honesty means you don’t have to remember the lie or lies and you can say what you mean and feel. If you are going to break my babies heart at least have the courtesy to be honest  with her and not pretend you care when you don’t. Thanks!

Forever Friends

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I have a friend that I have known for 36 years. Wow that seems like forever. She called me the day after Easter to remind me of our first meeting. We were at a cabin with our parents and her brother. There was some snow, but it wasn’t too chilly outside that we couldn’t take part in an egg hunt. What a great time that was for everyone. Well except for the kid who got their pant leg tangled in a barbed wire fence and only found 2 eggs. Lucky for that kid the other two had to share their eggs. My dear, sweet friend had a good laugh. We were 4 and I didn’t really like eggs anyway. She is my forever friend.

Watching my children grow up I have seen them make relationships with others and I have watched those relationships change over the years. They do have a few that have the possibility of turning into forever friends. I hope that if they do turn these friendships into forever friends that my children learn that friendship is a two way street and they should get something out of it as well. More times than I would like to admit that I have seen my kids bend over backwards to please their friends. Yet their friends break plans with them all the time, exclude them from other things and in general are not a nice or as supportive as they themselves are. Of course this comes from a mom who doesn’t like to see her kids in pain, so a very biased point of view.

My forever friend and I don’t live in the same state and haven’t for the past 26 years. I am thankful that even though we have at times lost touch for a few years we are always drawn back together. I feel my life wouldn’t be the same with out the balance of her in it. Although at times I fall victim to the giving more than I get in relationships just like my children.

Behavior

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I often wonder why so many people behave the way they do. Did they take a class on how to be a jerk or how to be insensitive? I work in a public place, I volunteer for a large organization and I represent myself and my family when I am in public. I make the choice to behave as a human or to behave as the incoherent, shouting, lost it in every sense of the word adult (child).

If you are a professional, in a professional job you should probably act like it. You should probably show the world your prettiest face and nicest words and save the other stuff for your down time with your family and friends. With that said, I understand sometimes you will falter. When you do own it, apologize if needed and move the heck on.

People remember your behavior even when they don’t remember your name. Do the right thing, be the better person and lead by example. I am a work in progress and my tongue is pretty sore from the amount of times I have had to bite it. I want to be a better person and still get things done and yes sometimes I forget and I spend a lot of time fixing the damage caused by my personal behavior.