Where are You?

I keep finding myself lost in my chaos. I want to stay focused and engaged, yet I find that the more I do the less I stay focused on any one thing. Which then causes anxiety for myself. Among all of this I am taking pleasure in each new day.


This is Lily Lynn, my youngest daughters cat. She lives in the bathroom and likes to drink cold water from the running faucet. She drives me crazy, yet I enjoy brushing her and spending time with her. She is my daily reminder to enjoy a cold drink and let someone brush your hair :)! Now if I could just find myself and keep myself planted and focused.


Kindness is FREE

I promise you, kindness is FREE! The ability to keep one’s mouth shut and not say rude things does not cost you a dime. Perhaps you will have some dents in your tongue where your teeth clamped down and kept it from moving and saying rude things, but I promise no money will be exchanged. It isn’t that hard to not say anything at all. You may actually be saving a life by keeping your rude thoughts to yourself.

Perhaps you didn’t realize you were being rude. Maybe  you were simply sharing your ideas on your idealistic world and didn’t stop to think that others may not agree. Did you considering asking me first what my plans were? Did you consider all of the work I have put into this project for the last year? Did it occur to you that this WAS important to me? Sometimes it is hard to look past yourself and see the others around you.

I think you are part of an amazing organization, I admire what you do as part of that group, and I did look forward to being part of it all. Yet, in 25 seconds, it all turned to ash and blew away in the gentle breeze from the door silently closing. You made assumptions, based on your conceived ideas on who I am, and changed my path within this amazing group of people.

I could fight back, but I have only invested a year into this. I worry that if I did push back I would be perceived as an aggressor because of my passions, and kindness is free so I should be kind. I set the example for my children to live by, and they know I chose to not fight this battle, that I gave up, and keeping my mouth shut was all about the kindness of not sharing my anger, hurt, and frustration. Instead I will focus my energy where it is appreciated and needed. I wish you well in all of your endeavors.

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Happy New Year

Time has come and gone. I was engulfed in so many tangled messes I wasn’t sure I would ever see the light of day. I took on too many obligations, over extended myself, buried myself in craziness, and then decided to go back to school.

Of course I failed at many things. Or perhaps not failed so much as gave up on. Sadly some of those things were things I truly enjoyed. My biggest sacrifice was spending my time here, sharing my life as so many of you have shared yours with me. My health has not improved, I gave up on that focus, it was too time consuming and not very enjoyable. I hate giving up things I like and my over indulgence in coffee and tacos is a big part of who I have been the last four years.

I have let others dictate who I should be and my worth based on their opinions. I realized the error there rather quickly. However, the time lost is still time lost. I also forced my opinions on my youngest child to the point of breaking her spirit a time or two in the last 6 months. Thankfully she is only 18 and is still a forgiving child.

I went back to school for a number of reasons, the biggest was my children have all graduated from high school and are considered adults now. It is my time to do what I put off 22 years ago to raise them. I wish that I would have made better choices when I was younger, but I am ok with where my life is now. I love my kids and am very proud of the young adults they have grown into.

I have lots to be thankful for everyday. Phheata (fajita),the youngest dachshund, is a little snuggle bug and she starts my days of with warm morning snuggles, I am employed and have a great boss, I see my kids every week, I volunteer and give back to my community, and I haven’t smoked in 4 1/2 years. These are just some of the things I am thankful for. I plan to adjust my life, daily schedule, to fit in the things I have been putting off because “I don’t have enough time”, it is all in how I plan my day if I have the time or not to do the extra things I enjoy or just need to do.

I hope everyone has had a great start to 2016 and that 2015 left you with fond memories, silly smiles, or at least a crazy story or two.


Engulfed in Sadness

Lately this is how I have felt, completely engulfed in sadness. An emotional wreck of crazy.

First there is the uproar of the lion named Cecil. Poaching is wrong. I am sad by the loss of this animal and for his community.  I am also sad for the poached bull moose that was found shot and left along a road. However, my sadness does not mean I don’t care about other important issues. My sadness is because these are animals that are being tricked by deceitful humans for their personal enjoyment. To me it would be like one of my neighbors luring one of my dogs out of the yard so they could cause harm or kill them.

Next there are the animals that are in shelters. The old, the young, the ill, the healthy and the perfect animals all together waiting. I have read a lot of stories lately about these animals. Some have been saved and others have not. The senior animals seem to have a harder time finding new homes and often times don’t leave the shelters. This makes me sad. My son told me yesterday that my dog was looking pretty old with his grey muzzle. I reminded him that I have had my dog for 8 years now and I hope to get another 8 or more years with him since he is a Dachshund and then can live 15 – 20 years. I am sad for the shelter animals because they don’t have homes. They don’t get to enjoy the life my own animals do and share their own unconditional love with humans and be part of a family, their own family.

I also miss my mom. She has been gone for 4 and a half years now. There are so many things she wasn’t able share in. There are still times I forget and want to call her and many nights that I dream she is still with us. Adding to my sadness is my kids miss their Nana and wonder if she would be proud of where we have all ended up in life. I wonder often if her Heaven is everything she hoped it would be and if she “knows” all that happens in our lives.

My kids are all 18 and older now and officially are not my “responsibility”. I raised them, taught them right from wrong, and hopefully helped them improve their skills in self sufficiency. Meaning that they can continue to manage their own finances and afford to care for themselves. This also makes me sad, I miss them with their noises and chaos. Sometimes the house is way too quiet. It isn’t as easy getting together and spending time as a family now that they are all older and independent. It is something we all work on though because so far we still like each other!!

I know this sadness will pass or at least it won’t feel so overwhelming. I am aware that there are others out in this world with their own struggles they are facing. I try to stay positive and look and the bright side of things and offer smiles to all I see. I also snuggle with the dogs often and offer them lots of love and attention because everything I give to them they give right back to me :)!

Change is Coming

I thought the future had a clear path. I knew what I was doing for the next 9 months. My youngest had a questionable plan, her sister had a plan and their brother had a sort of plan. Then in the blink of an eye, one text message and a deep breath everything changed again.

My oldest daughter sent me a text 10 days ago and said she wants to come home. I was shocked because at the beginning of June she was trying to convince her sister to change her plans and go to school there. What it comes down to is the school lost funding for a scholarship she was receiving and she didn’t receive one of the scholarships she had the year before. With the loss of funds she couldn’t afford to survive. She is already working approximately 35 to 40 hours a week and attending school full time. She will be home in 5 days.

The youngest did debate heavily on moving to go to school with her sister. She decided against it because she made some other commitments prior to entertaining the moving idea. Although others tried to persuade her to move as well, her integrity to follow through with what she said she would do was too strong. I am thankful for that as those commitments would have been difficult to fill by anyone else.

The boy, their brother, my beloved son is a story of chaos all of his own. He seldom has a concrete plan for his life. Though he has many dreams that he will some day accomplish. He loves hard, dreams hard and works harder. He is finally employed doing property management and has dived in to working long days and making his world a better place. My hope is his personal life evens out soon.

I am looking forward to these changes. More time with my children together. I am hoping for Sunday night dinners, study sessions as all of us are taking classes and just some regular hanging out. Of course there will probably be some lunch dates, dog walks and late night chats amongst the 4 of us. I have decided not to depend too much on these changes right now because I know everything can change again in a blink of an eye.

Lost in the Chaos

Reality has a way of sucking you in and trapping you in a moment and not letting you go. My moment started on April 30, 2015. It was a gradual the way things started to engulf me and until recently I hadn’t even noticed my life was at a standstill. It started with the loss of a young life to suicide, then my youngest daughter’s presentation of her Senior Project, which happened to be about suicide awareness, followed by her graduation from high school. In that time she also registered for classes for college, secured a summer job and had started working her job she intends to have through college.

I stopped doing the things that I liked, started doing things that consumed my brain but offered nothing in return and stopped making plans for my future as I will no longer be a full time mom. I have no motivation to fix the things that are wrong and no desire to care. Each day offers a new opportunity to start making the changes I need to make, yet my desire has not been very strong. It also doesn’t help that the temperature has been between 80 and 102 degrees the past 3 or more weeks. I function well at 72 to 75 degrees anything over that and I become sluggish and irritable. Today the temperature is currently at 53 degrees which would be great if my house wasn’t still feeling like 85 degrees.

The chaos has consumed me. I have known this for the past few weeks. I have decided today that I will start taking a more active roll in my own life again. I didn’t actually stop living completely the past two months, I just stopped providing the visual documentation on why I am thankful daily, I stopped writing and I haven’t been participating in many things I enjoy physically either, like spending time with other people. This all stops today as I enjoy these activities. I have a plan for my future, I will be going back to school at the end of August. This is not so I can find a different job but instead because 21 years ago I had to quit school to raise my son and then my daughters. Now it is time for me to try again.

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