Reality has a way of sucking you in and trapping you in a moment and not letting you go. My moment started on April 30, 2015. It was a gradual the way things started to engulf me and until recently I hadn’t even noticed my life was at a standstill. It started with the loss of a young life to suicide, then my youngest daughter’s presentation of her Senior Project, which happened to be about suicide awareness, followed by her graduation from high school. In that time she also registered for classes for college, secured a summer job and had started working her job she intends to have through college.
I stopped doing the things that I liked, started doing things that consumed my brain but offered nothing in return and stopped making plans for my future as I will no longer be a full time mom. I have no motivation to fix the things that are wrong and no desire to care. Each day offers a new opportunity to start making the changes I need to make, yet my desire has not been very strong. It also doesn’t help that the temperature has been between 80 and 102 degrees the past 3 or more weeks. I function well at 72 to 75 degrees anything over that and I become sluggish and irritable. Today the temperature is currently at 53 degrees which would be great if my house wasn’t still feeling like 85 degrees.
The chaos has consumed me. I have known this for the past few weeks. I have decided today that I will start taking a more active roll in my own life again. I didn’t actually stop living completely the past two months, I just stopped providing the visual documentation on why I am thankful daily, I stopped writing and I haven’t been participating in many things I enjoy physically either, like spending time with other people. This all stops today as I enjoy these activities. I have a plan for my future, I will be going back to school at the end of August. This is not so I can find a different job but instead because 21 years ago I had to quit school to raise my son and then my daughters. Now it is time for me to try again.
When I was little I loved to play in the mud. Making mud pies and mud soup and using my china dishes to have tea with the dog with little mud balls and dark tea. I also loved play dough. I wasn’t ever allowed to have it more than a month because some how some always found it’s way into the carpet.
My children did not like to play in the mud. They didn’t see the fun in making mud pies you couldn’t eat. They instead liked the clean plastic food used in their play kitchen that they bought at their play store with their play money or play credit card. Sometimes they used their little shopping cart other times a laundry basket to hold their purchases.
They did however love play dough. Unfortunately for me they like to mix the colors and try to get people to really eat it. I on the other hand have my very own play dough now that can only be used if I am playing too. I don’t want my colors mixed and I don’t want the cool toys that go with the play dough to get clogged up with dry play dough because someone decides to put something away without checking all the parts to make sure they are cleaned out
Recently I have also been considering buying a light brite. My kids never had one so I was thinking it might be fun to play with one with them. These are just some of the things that brought me joy during my much younger years. Now you can share yours, if you like :)!
We take x-rays to see things on the inside. I wish there was a way to take an x-ray to see how people are feeling. Perhaps then we could better help those that are suffering from mental illness or those considering suicide. Another young life was lost in our community yesterday through suicide. There are no words to express the emptiness I see on my own young daughters face. Her sadness and grief are gut wrenching. I cannot even imagine what this young child’s family is going through. This child was only a Freshman in high school and my own daughter is a Senior at the same school. She knows the family as the older brother has gone to school with her since elementary school. There is no need to second guess the decision that was made as the future without this child is all that we have now. I hope the family can find peace and strength within themselves while they go through these difficult times.
Hug those you love a little tighter and smile at a stranger, you never know the impact you can make.
Girl Scouts took both of my daughters across the country. We are all hoping to someday make the trip as a family.
An afternoon of painting with my kids is another one of my favorite things to do.
One of my favorite dinosaurs is the velociraptor. I have many, but this guy is short and I like that about him. Jurassic Quest is where you can view this information on many other dinosaurs as well. They are coming back to Montana, sadly I would have to travel out of town to go again so hopefully they will make another visit later this year 🙂 A girl can hope any way!
Would you like to live or play under the sea? In the ocean? In a stream? Not me. I really don’t like the unknown. How do you feel when you are swimming in a lake? Have you ever swam in an ocean? I for one would like to see what is in the water with me before I get in. I probably will never swim in an ocean or a sea, I don’t live close to either and it really isn’t one of my great desires. I have been in a lake and all I could think of the whole time was a large unknown creature grabbing my leg and taking me away to it’s home underwater. A river doesn’t bother me as much, but my fear is still pretty intense. I like to stay close to the shore and not move around too much to keep the water clear. Mountain streams are my favorite water to play in because it is usually very clear, runs down the mountain and the fish are very evident in the stream. In other words I know what is touching my leg underwater then. The best water of all is a swimming pool, in the day time so there are not any dark shadows obscuring the view of any possibly added creatures. I have no desire to swim with dolphins or any other large water mammals. I do think it is awesome the amount of beautiful creatures that do live underwater and even though my children may disagree I believe the Lock Ness Monster is real. 🙂