Kindness is FREE

I promise you, kindness is FREE! The ability to keep one’s mouth shut and not say rude things does not cost you a dime. Perhaps you will have some dents in your tongue where your teeth clamped down and kept it from moving and saying rude things, but I promise no money will be exchanged. It isn’t that hard to not say anything at all. You may actually be saving a life by keeping your rude thoughts to yourself.

Perhaps you didn’t realize you were being rude. Maybe  you were simply sharing your ideas on your idealistic world and didn’t stop to think that others may not agree. Did you considering asking me first what my plans were? Did you consider all of the work I have put into this project for the last year? Did it occur to you that this WAS important to me? Sometimes it is hard to look past yourself and see the others around you.

I think you are part of an amazing organization, I admire what you do as part of that group, and I did look forward to being part of it all. Yet, in 25 seconds, it all turned to ash and blew away in the gentle breeze from the door silently closing. You made assumptions, based on your conceived ideas on who I am, and changed my path within this amazing group of people.

I could fight back, but I have only invested a year into this. I worry that if I did push back I would be perceived as an aggressor because of my passions, and kindness is free so I should be kind. I set the example for my children to live by, and they know I chose to not fight this battle, that I gave up, and keeping my mouth shut was all about the kindness of not sharing my anger, hurt, and frustration. Instead I will focus my energy where it is appreciated and needed. I wish you well in all of your endeavors.

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My Kids Did What????

My youngest daughter has been an emotional wreck lately. First she started having migraines a lot again, which has turned into many doctor appointments and new medication trials. Then there was her misunderstanding of what medications she was suppose to actually be taking. Now that we have most of that figured out I am hoping her control over her emotions comes back soon. Currently she is working on a huge project for school and Girl Scouts centered around  suicide and depression. Unfortunately she is struggling in school in two of her classes and feels like some of her classmates are being unfair and not respecting that others have different opinions. She also feels like her teachers in these classes don’t like her or care about what is happening or her personal ideas and opinions. Because of all of the drama I have been thinking a lot of the past and I recently read a very thought provoking blog post over at HIP MOM BRARIAN’S blog WHEN YOU ARE THE PARENT EVERYONE BLAMES.

I have had plenty of proud momma moments with my kids. I have also had plenty of the moments where I hope others forget these children belong to me. Back in the days of family community computer I found my two oldest children creating a fake Facebook account so they could purposely be mean to another person. All I could say was WOW. We had a long conversation about right and wrong and how hurting others is not ok just because we are mad at them or don’t like them. We talked about this for weeks after the event. I was so shocked and saddened that these were my children. How is it possible that the kids who hear about a natural disaster in another country and want to help those in need that they don’t even KNOW could be this cold hearted?

The youngest child of mine has been advised to talk again to her teachers and to let them know how she is feeling and what is going on. I also recommended to her to try not to let it bother her so much. The whole purpose of her project is to educate others about the issues and help them to see there isn’t just one right answer to why depression or suicide happen. What I really want to do is set up a meeting with these teachers and talk about what is going on and hear everyone’s point of view. My daughter would like me to wait and see how she does on her own. My hope for her is that she remembers that others are also allowed to have opinions, even if they are different from hers. I know she already knows this so I hope she remembers it when she needs it the most.

Dear Father to my Children,

Dear Father to my Children Sperm Donor,

How do you measure your parental skills? How do you know when you are doing well versus when you SUCK? Do you care? How many “trophies” do you need? When will enough be enough? I wish you would stop causing heart ache and destruction in the lives of your children. I wish that you would do me a favor and MOVE.

For the past 21 years I can count on one hand how many times you have done the right thing for your children. The right thing is defined as when you did something that only benefited your children and did nothing for you including making you look good to others. Sweetie that is a total of 5 or LESS times.

  1. Secured Santa to come to the house to visit your son and oldest daughter.
  2. Gave your oldest daughter a bath every night for about 2 months straight during her 11th and 12th months of life.
  3. Secured lunch money for our youngest daughter last year, when she was a Junior in high school.

Yep less than 5. You have possibly done more, but I couldn’t think of anything that didn’t also make you look good to others. I could however think of lots of times you screwed our kids over.

  1. Sold the weight bench your son wanted, for $20 bucks.
  2. Didn’t show up when you promised to visit the kids, too many times to count.
  3. Told your friends you needed money to buy things for your kids when really you needed money for yourself.
  4. Promised to bring money to one of your children and show up weeks late or never.
  5. Making out with your girlfriend at your daughter’s birthday party instead of hanging out with your daughter.
  6. Going to your other girlfriend’s house in another state when your son came home for Christmas from Basic Training.
  7. Arriving late and high to your oldest daughter’s high school graduation and then skipping pictures after she asked you to take pictures with her.
  8. Not showing up at all to your oldest daughter’s graduation party.
  9. Not listening to your kids when they tell you something that is going on with your girlfriend and her kids.
  10. Driving like a crazy person because you are mad you said you would give your child a ride across town.

That of course is the short list 🙂

I would like to remind you that your 3 oldest children are 21, 19 and 17. These 3 are old enough to make their own decisions and are not at all intimidated by your loud voice or threats. You feel the only time they talk to you is when they want money. Perhaps if you looked at how you interact with them when you are together you would see that they just don’t like to be ignored or to hang out with your “other” family.

This past weekend you killed your relationship with your son. I understand you wanted your children at your wedding, but I hope you understand that they did not really want to be there. Your wife is not nice to them. She has double standards for her kids and your kids. Your children tried to talk to you about it, but you were unwilling to listen. They were not comfortable making the drive to your wedding location and the fact that they had to come back after dark was not very appealing to them either. The other kicker for them was the girls thought they were in the wedding, but somehow they got kicked out. Then two days later, after you came back to town, you couldn’t even find the time to see your younger daughter off on her trip. You sure are a classy guy.

Yes I am angry. I am tired of seeing my children hurt by your actions. I am tired of hearing how you promised them this or that and didn’t follow through. I am tired of seeing the pain on their faces when you don’t follow through or when you choose not to listen to them. You have produced 6 children that I am aware of, the 3 oldest you co-created with me. The other son is 15 or 16 (the one you never see), you have a 13 year old daughter (the one you signed away your parental rights for) and then there is the youngest daughter who is under 10, this is the only one you have actually made a go of the parenting thing with. I mean the one you pay child support for and take for full weekends during the school year and weeks during the summer. I am glad at this point you have figured at least that part out, for just this one kid. No worries for the other 5, I am sure they will continue to survive. I know my 3 would like you to stop ignoring them when they try to talk to you and listen to the words that come out of their mouths.

Thank you for also telling our son just how horrible my parents were. My parents that have both passed away in the past 7 years at very young ages. The same parents that allowed us to move in with them when we had no where else to go. I believe the year my mom passed away she gave you lots and lots of money to help you get caught up on some of your bills. These same people who supported me for months on end so I could help you pay of two different trucks on two different occasions. Yes my parents were awful because they supported us financially while you gambled and drank all of our money away. They did voice their opinions on your lifestyle but they still supported us. How many times did they take the kids when they were smaller because you just couldn’t handle it?? PLEASE tell me what did your family do to support us, how much contact does your mother have with these kids now? Does she even remember our youngest daughter’s name? Probably not.

7 months to go and I promise I will get to deal with you even less than I do now. I am looking forward to that more than you can possible understand. Good luck and best wishes 🙂

 

Frustrated Mommy

Watching my children struggle is very frustrating for me. As their mom I want to make everything perfect in their worlds. As an adult I understand that is unreasonable for me to achieve and not very beneficial for them. I am beginning to believe that at some point good things will happened for them so they do not have to struggle with everything.

My youngest daughter is a Junior in high school and has two and a half weeks of school. This year she applied for programs that would benefit her life and her community and for some reason was not selected for either program. The first was a program to promote leadership in the community and get young people involved in finding solutions for problems that exist. This program is suppose to help the young people involved build their own leadership skills as well. She was not selected, her heart was broken and she moved on and involved herself in Key Club instead. The next program she applied for was to work with elementary school kids for one hour a week to assist them with their school work and just be their buddy. These kids come from homes where they may not get a lot of one on one time with adults because of a number or circumstances. These children usually also need assistance getting their school work done. She was also not selected for this program. She is feeling disappointed in herself and her abilities to do good things. She wanted to make a difference in a young person’s life and because she is only 17 there are not a lot of options to volunteer with kids unless it is through school. The other things that have added to her sadness with school are she has not had her Junior visit, this is a visit to make sure she has a plan or at least knows her options after high school, she didn’t get assigned to a job shadow and she decided to quit band because the teacher was rude too many times. She isn’t the best trombone player, but she did like trying her best, it just wasn’t good enough for the teacher.

The struggles are not limited to my youngest daughter. Sadly my oldest daughter is facing so many similar struggles with college and other life aspects. She worked for a summer with two nonprofit organizations to earn a college grant and after working for the entire summer doing the program and working an actual job on top of that she was told the program was never approved and sorry there is no money. This caused all kinds of undue stress mainly like who is paying the last $1000.00 for her tuition now? The other downfall was one of the nonprofit organizations is viewed in a new light by her and she probably won’t ever be very committed to them in the future. Next she applied for an award that was very prestigious and was passed up because of politics. The person that received the honor new someone or perhaps didn’t rock the boat like my daughter does. My daughter is currently attending a private catholic college and what she expected to learn and what she is actually learning are two different planets. I might go so far as to say they are two different galaxies. She has learned little to nothing in a year and feels like she wasted time and money. Thankfully she voiced these concerns to someone who gave her wonderful advise telling her had she not experienced a bad learning environment she might not recognize a good learning environment and she now knows what kind of teacher she does not want to be. Her father has been a bitter disappointment lately for her as well. He promised to pay to have her car fixed and then called me the day it was at the shop to tell me he couldn’t afford to pay for it. This was after the mechanic called him and told him it was $500.00 and the car was unsafe to drive without the repairs and they could not let anyone pick it up until it was fixed. He also promised her an iPhone two years ago that she is still waiting for from him, luckily she has a job and saves her money and doesn’t actually believe his empty promises.

My son has his own set of struggles that have not been easy in the least. He struggled through school with bullies who happened to be girls. Try explaining to a school that girls do bully and get away with it because others can’t possibly believe girls bully. He deals with false promises from their father as well. With an added bonus that my son changed his last name to my maiden name and the father tries to get him to change it back as often as he can. My son was recently married in September of 2013 and his spouses family hates him. I am not really sure why they are unwilling to give my child a chance but it really hurts his feelings and hurts their relationship as well. He also has been having the hardest time finding a job which causes its own set of problems financially and for their relationship.

None of these things I can fix or make better for them. All I can offer is words of advise on how I have dealt with a similar situation or how I think others are missing out on their greatness. I also remind them how much I love them and how honored I am to be their mommy. This however doesn’t stop me from silently wishing their lives were easier and that they got the things they desired.

Why Me?

I have been “sick” for my entire adult life, probably before then. Now I have a name for what is wrong with me. I had hoped that once someone finally figured out what was wrong with me they would be able to “fix” me. I don’t mind being wrong and I can admit that most of the time when I am. However this time I was hoping for a cure and there isn’t one and I am MAD. I am angry, I am discouraged and I am so tired of feeling sick.

This week I am feeling worse then I usually do. The medication is causing nausea. So severe that it is hard to sleep, hard to concentrate and hard to enjoy anything. No cure an no guarantee treatment is going to work. On a high note I will live, it is not cancer. My children will have me around for the foreseeable future. On a lower note it is not a fun disease with a fun name. It is embarrassing for me actually and has been difficult to deal with before I had a name for it.

Friday I spent the day feeling sorry for myself. Yesterday I tried sleeping and relaxing to help my immune system to get better. Today I laid in bed petting a warm dog to help myself get over the nausea before I got up, it didn’t work. I have accepted my diagnosis. I don’t think it is fair, I am thankful it isn’t worse and hopeful that I will be able to control my symptoms and flare ups. Ulcerative Colitis, UC, I could have went my whole life with never meeting you but thanks though.

Memories, Mistakes and Miracles

M

Have you ever had a memory that changed as you aged? Have you ever made a mistake that later wasn’t? Do you believe in miracles?

It is a miracle that I am alive after all of the mistakes I made as a teenager and young adult. When I think back on those memories I feel deep regret and shame. I am not sure how I could have been so irresponsible. What was I thinking? I have found it very hard to advise my teenager/young adult children on responsibility when I was one of the least responsible in my little group.

At the time I thought I was “cool” and “invincible”. Nothing bad could happen to me, and nothing did. Now when I look back at those memories I see them through the eyes of a parent, a parent of teenager/young adult children. My vivid imagination can see the shattered windshield, the crushed passenger door and the wheels spinning in the air.

Thankfully I have had an open and realistic relationship with my children. I have been honest with them about the mistakes I have made and how fortunate I am to be here. I also understand that no matter what I tell them, they get the option to live their lives and I hope they will make the best choices. They are now learning from my mistakes so perhaps my mistakes will turn into something better.

Hope

H

The one small glimpse of sunshine while it is pouring rain. A tuft of green grass poking out beneath the snow covered ground. A chance for more to come. Hope. During my darkest hours I try to hold on to hope, at least the hope that this shall pass and I can move on. My hope today is that I can have even less contact with the person who helped create my children. I hope that my children overcome the dysfunction that their parents have shown them. I hope that my children make better choices than I did at their ages. I hope that time will soften the harsh memories for all of us.