Looking Back

I have always been a moving forward type of person. Occasionally I do get stuck looking back or holding on to something I shouldn’t, however for the most part I like moving forward. Though at times I live in a fantasy world of my own making possibly wishing a little too hard for an easy way out or simpler road. Looking back through the years of my life I have strong memories of the most tragic aspects of my life and fewer of the warm glow feelings that instantly come to mind. The good feelings I have to fight for in the depths of  my memory. Perhaps they just didn’t make that big of an impact or I am keeping them safe in the depths of my mind so they do not get lost.

When I was a teen I was sent to numerous counselors to determine what was wrong with me. I remember two of these sessions well, the first was with a counselor my father picked out for me to visit on one of my FEW visits with him. The question he asked has stayed with me since, If you could change one thing about your life what would it be? I have no idea what I responded but I remember his reaction. He asked me if I was sure I wouldn’t change the death of my younger brother, so he could have lived. Or maybe I would have changed the death of my younger brother’s father. I laughed and said no, why would I change those events? There is no telling what or where my life would be now. The second counseling session that I remember well was with my mom’s choice. I was asked what I felt the  issue was and I said my mom and our lack of communicating and that she always tells me how I feel and why I do what I do. We stopped going after that. Apparently there was NOTHING wrong with me. Well other than I was a teenager who liked to be alone or with a select few people whom mostly did not include my much younger siblings.

Growing past my teenage years was a blessing. Being a young mother was not. I married young, mostly because my mom told me not to marry my boyfriend. Yep totally because she told me not to. What a perfect way to escape my teenage years get married and start my own happy little family. Looking back I know this was a mistake. I should have listened to my mom and perhaps I would have had she came at me with a different approach. I married young, had children young, got divorced young and have struggled every since. I feel like I was a horrible mother when my children where smaller. Little patience, too tired, overwhelmed, not enough money, no higher education, so no degree and no high paying job. My young adulthood years were not much better than my teen years. The fact that I felt like a failure most of my life did not help either.

Moving forward I didn’t forget the awfulness of what I had come through to get where I was. I lost my brother to a car accident at 3, his daddy was killed in a car accident while my mom was still pregnant with my little brother. Next life threw my second little brother’s dad into our lives. He was a mean, controlling and awful person. He was abusive and tried on more than one occasion to kill my mom. Thankfully he did not succeed and thankfully with time and space he was able to have a productive relationship with his son. My little brother got to know his dad differently than I remembered him. I am thankful for that because they did not have much time together before his dad become ill and passed away. I made many problems for myself staying in my own bad relationship with the father of my children. We could never make it work and yet I still kept trying and lost more each time I tried.

My children are older now with my youngest being 17 and making plans for her future just as her older brother and sister have begun their own lives as well. Their teenage years where so much easier for all of us. I was becoming a better mother and learning to navigate life better for myself. Not that life is always in balance or that we don’t have our moments that we hurt the others just to hurt them because we can. I still have my days where I lash out for seemingly no reason and yet the reasons are there just under the surface. Perhaps I am tired, hungry or just not getting enough time to clear my own head because everyone NEEDS me.

Some days I still wish I had not wasted so much time. Had I found a better way perhaps I would have had a better relationship with my mom. The last few years we had were the best we had ever had. I miss her daily now and am so saddened by the fact she has missed the last three years. I know she is no longer hurting but there are so many days I just want my mommy. I look forward to all that is to come for my children and  their lives. The opportunities that lay before them, their hopes and dreams and all the adventures they get to have. I don’t plan to stay stuck in the past and I don’t plan to forget the lessons I have learned from the past either. I still have a lot of living to do, a lot of things I have not tried and a lot of things I will continue to say no thanks to as well. Each year that comes my way becomes my new favorite time. Another opportunity to live and make memories with my children and the people who come into my life.

Weekly Writing Challenge: Golden Years

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One thought on “Looking Back

  1. […] Looking Back | Jenn Lost in Chaos […]

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