Hello girlfriend to my ex-husband,
This is all about you. How you will be raising my teenage to adult children. How you will be taking an active roll in their lives along with their father. How you are now a role model in their lives. And of course how fundamentally important you are to their lives just because you are you.
I am sure that you and I will find a way to get along. As long as I follow your rules I am sure. The rules I have deciphered so far are as follows:
- Do not speak to my ex-husband, at all, ever.
- Do not request assistance financially for anything for the one child that is under 18.
- Do not offer advice as to why the children all seem angry at their father.
- Do not share any information concerning the children related to school, work or health.
- Mom (that is me) is to pay for everything and we will show up if we can fit the life event into our day/week/month.
- Mom (again me) has no right to feel any anger or resentment over the children’s hurt feelings if the father and girlfriend show up and leave as quickly as possible, even though one of the children asked them to stay until the end.
For the record I am doing my best to follow your silly rules. I would like to point out that contrary to his our your belief my life does not depend on either of you. If I am trying to share information with you it is only to help my children. And yes I do think of them as mine not ours. I want what is best for them, I always have and always will.
I do not pick and choose when my children are convenient to hang out with. Or what school or extra curricular activity I might attend, if I am not busy doing my own things. I do not pay for my own toys prior to making sure they have food to eat or the things they need like shoes or money for their extra curricular activities.
Please know that the reason I am not currently in a relationship is not because I can’t find someone. The reason is because I am focusing on my children and raising them into productive adults. I did date for a few years and decided it was too confusing for the children and far too time consuming for me. I like to give everything 100% and right now that is going to my children. Trust me I am not waiting for my ex-husband to “wake up” and come back to me. I filed for the divorce and he didn’t even bother to show up for that either.
Things I wish you understood:
- Children have feelings.
- Your children are not any better than mine, just different.
- Rules should be for everyone not just a select few.
- Communication is important in all relationships.
- You are an adult, please act like one.
- My children tell me “everything”, so about 80% of what is going on.
- You are not the first girlfriend and you may not be the last one either.
- The adult children only come because the under 18 child feels they are obligated to show up once in awhile.
- You shouldn’t demand the children come to your family functions, asking is nicer.
- When you don’t show up at functions that I am at, that you were invited to by the children, you again look childish. A High School Graduation party is important as was the graduation ceremony and photo shoot afterwards. You and the father were requested to be there and share in this life moment.
I know I have a lot more to learn about you current girlfriend to my ex-husband. However in a few short years I will only vaguely have to deal with their father. I look forward to those days. My children are productive people. They are going to accomplish great things, even if in your eyes those things don’t seem great.
I find it extremely inappropriate for you or their father to tell my adult son to find a way to get out of the military. That he isn’t safe and he doesn’t need to be in the military to prove something. You are right on everything except him finding a way out. He knew what he was signing up for, was prepared to give his life for his country, and recently has been struggling with the fact that he only is doing National Guard instead of full time Army. He did not join to prove something, he joined to provide himself with more and protect the people and places he loves.
Perhaps if you took the time to learn about these amazing children you would know that the youngest daughter suffers from many different mental illnesses and your kindness would go a lot further than your negativity. She is a delicate creature who has seen the loss of far too many family members in the last few years. She has struggled with anxiety and depression her entire life. As a small toddler a look could set her into tears for hours. She doesn’t enjoy feeling this way. She wishes she could get through the day without pills, but that is not the case for her sweet soul.
The oldest daughter is extremely driven. She knows what she wants and she knows how she is going to get it. This is the child you are not able to bend to your will, unless it is what she wants. She has a strong sense of family and what her own morals are. She will only ask you twice before she decides she isn’t worth it or you are no longer worth her effort. Sharing in her triumphs is important to her. If you don’t take the time to attend when you are invited she takes it personally and is hurt by your lack of concern.
I wish you would hear me when I tell you these things. I wish you wouldn’t become defensive and act like I am attacking you and shaking your world. Those are not my intentions. I want what is best for these children. I want them to never question their worth or if they are loved, no matter what. I would be happy for you and my ex-husband if you do get married. For so many reasons but mostly because then maybe you wouldn’t feel so threatened by my existence. I want to protect my children and keep them safe in this uncertain world. I do want you and their father to help with that. However after over a year we know this isn’t what is going to happen. Lucky for all of us involved the children are all smart enough to not let your negativity and their father’s lack of interest change them, yes it hurts them, but they know who they are.
Thanks for trying anyway.